Monday morning computer blues
I wrote this when I was at O&M. Some of my ex colleagues will recognize themselves in it!
Monday morning computer blues
I love Monday mornings. I don’t get the blues. In fact, I contribute a fair share to other people’s blues. Weekends have always bored me to death- I can’t wait for Monday. This pisses off my co-workers. They come in all bleary-eyed, like something even the cat wouldn’t drag in, and find me, fresh as a daisy, waiting to seize the day.
Most of advertising work requires the use of a computer and your brain. I happen to know how most people torture the former and leave the latter at home, especially on Monday mornings. Sometimes I wish they would just vice versa that- torture the brain and leave the computer at home.
Mondays are days when computers get tortured the most. If you ask me, people torture them everyday, but statistics prove that on Mondays the torture is unparalleled. It is as though the computer represents the system that has them trapped. Well, it does, in a way. So they take out all their frustrations on it. Here’s how they do it.
Let’s begin with the mouse- that poor little thing that’s so essential.
Too often it gets used as a paperweight- imagine a paperweight on a leash. Or it’s used to smash tiny insects scampering around the workstation. A colleague I worked with used his mouse as a fly swatter- says a lot about his workload in the office scheme of things, doesn’t it? He also had this nasty habit of disconnecting the mouse from your computer, every time you left your worksation. You’d return to your presentation and wonder why your cursor was stuck and not obeying your mouse’s orders. The most common abuse however is to appropriate the mousepad and use it as a coaster.
Mondays do strange things to normal people. Some get jittery every time they pass by a computer, holding a coffee mug in their hands. And I’m talking about people who otherwise salsa with a mug of scalding coffee and emerge unscathed. Most avoidable on Monday mornings. If they get within 10 metres of your worksation- ask for a restraining order. They will accidentally (or purposely) drop a bit of coffee on your keyboard, not much- just a bit. They do it all the time to their own keyboards. Standing over your shoulders, they will minutely observe you answering your emails. And please forgodsakes don’t open those funny forwards in their presence. The next thing you know, the coffee is all over the floor, and on your keyboard.
Just a little bit can short the keys- too much and the keyboard is useless. Then your accounts department will deduct the money from your next month’s salary, and the IT department will call for an enquiry. And even if you plead that it wasn’t you- hell, you don’t even drink the office coffee- they’ll come and paste huge notices around your workstation, stating 25 reasons why you should not eat and drink at it. I love reason # 15- it says “Vermin tend to get attracted to keyboards that have bits of food and liquids stuck in them.”
A nasty colleague used to come over each time I got a new notice and change vermin to women. He insisted it was the same thing. If you’re lucky (like I’ve always been) the offender will offer to pay for the damage in cash or kind. Go for cash.
So what happens when coffee hits on keyboard? Just a little bit of coffee can turn keys into a bunch of schizophrenics. Sometimes, the space bar becomes delusional. It decides to graduate in life and do more than provide space. Every time you jab it, instead of giving you only space between two words, it will give you an alphabet too- say an ‘o’ for example. Your correspondence or reports or body copy or whatever it is that you type out, will read like an Italian Mafiosi’s ransom note.
‘Theo saleso foro thiso quartero areo showingo a sharpo declineo. Ando theo profito iso zeroo percento.’
Meo suggesto youo callo theo Godfathero. Buto eveno heo won’to beo ableo too helpo youo. Soo youo callo theo ITo guyo insteado’.
If you are not so lucky, M will decide it is N, leading to some hilarious typos. Keys high on caffeine like to trade personalities with their neighbours. Isn’t that great for your already muddled, Monday morning brain?
Then there are the ‘Key Jabbers’, the ‘Abrupt shutters’- in fact, I think you can decode a person’s sexual style by observing how they handle their computers on most days- but especially on a Monday. No, this is not farfetched. Read on and I’ll convince you.
Frisky Stallions- Usually between the ages of 22 and 32. Though there are some who are 42- but they don’t look it. The characteristics that mark this bunch are easy to recognise. They are IMPATIENT. They switch on the computer and get restless as it boots its various drives. You’ll see them wringing their hands, muttering “C’mon, start, START, START.” Whilst working in any programme, they’ll use all the shortcut commands- they hardly use the mouse or the menu. Alt+Ctrl+shift- they know it all. They feed them in at a ferocious speed that confuses the poor machine. The computers hard disk space and RAM memory cannot keep pace with their speed. Often saddled with hung computers. Well hung otherwise.
Key Jabbers- Usually in their 40’s, some very close to retirement. You will often find senior secretaries in this league. Started life typing on a Remington or Underwood. Think the computer is a slightly advanced typewriter that also plays music. They jab the keys on their keyboard in such a way that they stay jabbed. Which means that the alphabet keeps typing itself to eternity. There’s no point telling them that the keys are touch-sensitive now a days and a gentle tap should suffice. They’ll jab, jab away.
There is also a younger version of the Key Jabber. Usually a computer game addict. Carries CD’s of Command & Conquer to work. Stays late almost every night, supposedly to do proactive work or finish reports. After boss goes home, they turn their workstation into a video game parlour. Needless to say, certain keys on his/her keyboard are so overworked- they have changed shape and the alphabets or commands on them have disappeared.
Abrupt shutters- These people think that the computer is an electrical appliance- like a fan or a mixer or a TV. So they switch it off just like they would an electrical appliance- by putting off the mains directly. No going through the slow and accurate procedure of going to the start menu and such like. Just switch it off in the middle of work- no cooling down. And every morning they wonder why the computer takes so long to respond.
Obsessive-Compulsive types- They like everything CLEAN. Especially their desktop. Everything is neatly organised in file directories. Nothing is ever out of place. If you decide to save some of your work on their desktop- because you don’t have any space left on your computer- you’ve had it friend. They will happily trash it, even if you’ve named your folder- BINA’s WORK- pls don’t trash.
Erasers- People who cannot handle work pressure- they suffer a systems breakdown. This leads them to inflict a similar one on their computers. When some important report or campaign is not completed in time for a presentation (almost always on a Monday!) this event strangely coincides with their computer crashing. Or their hard disk getting erased. You’ll see them crying- “But I just finished the damn report/campaign last night, and it’s all gone today morning. What do I do?” Liars. Habitually promise more than they can deliver. And vamoose when found out. Known to be small and whiny. Fail to rise up to the occasion.
I’ve seen them all in their element on a Monday morning, taking out their frustrations on a poor computer. Why not call in sick instead?
The above article was written by one of our designers.
